It is becoming an awfully recurring theme that all I do is sit on my backside either doing work or contemplating work OR watching the l word...:) But anyway, its becoming pretty sickening. I am 20. I am bored. NO! This shouldn't be happening to me. I need activity. Oh well i suppose. Think I'm going to go out tomorrow night, anything beats staying home. Although I will miss The Apprentice, that is joyful times. Actually, it may be one of the joyful-est times of my life at the moment. Do I need to re-iterate that I'm 20 and bored? No.
Brother's just come in upset. Upsetting.
Other brother is actually very quiet. Weird.
And I am...energy-less.
x
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Monday, 13 April 2009
Monday.
"I don't like mondaysssss" la la la.
Yeah, I don't like mondays. I like them at uni because they are my only day off, but then I have to go to work so that kind of counteracts the day off pleasure. I'd say I've spent all day doing statistics revision but I started at 4 and finished at 7. Three hours. Productive huh? Well, I'm sorry. I wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy...
I love that programme. It's so dark and sexy. They made a hospital drama sexy. Kudos.
So, my thoughts today. Not a lot actually. Just the fact that I'm going back to uni this weekend. God, it's so soon. For the first time, I don't actually want to go back. The fact we have exams does not make it better. I think it's just the fact that I've never loved my own company more than I do right now. And when I go back, I'll get that time but it won't be as much. I'll be invited places and I'll feel like I have to do stuff because I don't want to waste my time there. I'll regret it. And whether I think I'll regret things or not, we all regret certain things. We just move on.
I don't know what to do now. I could make myself feel good and do more work. Or I could equally make myself feel good and do no work. The Jury's out...x
Yeah, I don't like mondays. I like them at uni because they are my only day off, but then I have to go to work so that kind of counteracts the day off pleasure. I'd say I've spent all day doing statistics revision but I started at 4 and finished at 7. Three hours. Productive huh? Well, I'm sorry. I wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy...
I love that programme. It's so dark and sexy. They made a hospital drama sexy. Kudos.
So, my thoughts today. Not a lot actually. Just the fact that I'm going back to uni this weekend. God, it's so soon. For the first time, I don't actually want to go back. The fact we have exams does not make it better. I think it's just the fact that I've never loved my own company more than I do right now. And when I go back, I'll get that time but it won't be as much. I'll be invited places and I'll feel like I have to do stuff because I don't want to waste my time there. I'll regret it. And whether I think I'll regret things or not, we all regret certain things. We just move on.
I don't know what to do now. I could make myself feel good and do more work. Or I could equally make myself feel good and do no work. The Jury's out...x
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Easter...whatever
Easter Sunday, hardly a cause for celebration. I mean really, who gives a flying fig about Easter? You eat chocolate...Yeah, you eat chocolate. And even chocolate gets boring sometimes. It really does.
Anyway, its obvious I haven't done anything productive today but eat some chocolate (as I won't stop bloody going on about it). I'm getting a bit frustrated with thinking about my Summer, as i STILL have nothing to do. If only I made my mind up a little before 'Easter' about my career aspirations, then maybe I would have something planned. Never mind (I guess). I applied to be the editor of the Rabbit. It's a step forward. I mean, I never go for things that I whole heartedly don't think I can achieve. This is a first. Being the editor would require me to have the qualities of a leader. Long story short - I don't. Being the editor would require me to be organised. Long story short - I'm not...
What was I thinking?!
Delusion.com is clearly the place to be.
So, plannage for tomorrow. Well surprise surprise I will be staying in. I'm still recovering from my operation that turned me into a 90-year old mental patient. Nearly recovered though. Very excited about Friday. Found out we are on the guest list, well...Jen plus one on the guest list. That will be very interesting.
Oh, before I go. I'm in love with the new Dizzee track Bonkers.
And, and, and...cannot believe Craig David's "Born to do it" was the 2nd greatest album ever! Mental...
Anyway, off I go to the land of nod. I awake to half a day of statistics. I think.
Love love love x x x
Anyway, its obvious I haven't done anything productive today but eat some chocolate (as I won't stop bloody going on about it). I'm getting a bit frustrated with thinking about my Summer, as i STILL have nothing to do. If only I made my mind up a little before 'Easter' about my career aspirations, then maybe I would have something planned. Never mind (I guess). I applied to be the editor of the Rabbit. It's a step forward. I mean, I never go for things that I whole heartedly don't think I can achieve. This is a first. Being the editor would require me to have the qualities of a leader. Long story short - I don't. Being the editor would require me to be organised. Long story short - I'm not...
What was I thinking?!
Delusion.com is clearly the place to be.
So, plannage for tomorrow. Well surprise surprise I will be staying in. I'm still recovering from my operation that turned me into a 90-year old mental patient. Nearly recovered though. Very excited about Friday. Found out we are on the guest list, well...Jen plus one on the guest list. That will be very interesting.
Oh, before I go. I'm in love with the new Dizzee track Bonkers.
And, and, and...cannot believe Craig David's "Born to do it" was the 2nd greatest album ever! Mental...
Anyway, off I go to the land of nod. I awake to half a day of statistics. I think.
Love love love x x x
All For One, One For All
All For One, One For All
OK, so you're with the love of your life. There's nobody else you would rather be with. But, don't forget yourself. It's very easy to become dependent on the one you love. It is vital that each person in a relationship gets their alone time. In order to look after a relationship, you must look after yourself. Whatever you contribute to a relationship must remain fresh. In order to revitalise your best qualities, have a little "me" time.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
The Power Of Being Genuine
Tracey Emin
Controversial? Yes. Life is controversial. We cannot hide from life, so why should art mislead us into thinking that the raw issues of life i.e. sexuality are any different to what they are before our very own eyes? That is all.
Dress to impress in nothing less than what you already have.
I have to say, I've probably worn a lot of things in order to impress. When I was 17, I dressed up as a playboy bunny in order to look "sexy". At a themed night at university I dressed up as dr devan (devan is my surname), thinking that false eyelashes would gain me good looking points, but no. I usually wear dresses with heels, tops with shorts and tops that are too short not to wear with shorts. However, impression is all in the eyes. Impression is all in the smile. Your best top could have been ruined, leaving you with no clothes left to "impress" with. Truth is - whatever you wear, a long lasting impression comes from within. People don't forget that so easily.
Recovery
I return after my operation. Everything went well apparently. I must say that I am more than glad that after 2 days, I am starting to feel better. I'm lucky I didn't have a major procedure, and that I got the op done by keyhole surgery. I have felt like a bit of a pensioner over the last few days. I couldn't get up on my own, I couldn't lay flat without being uncomfortable and I couldn't even manage to drink without a straw. It's amazing how a couple of days can refresh your outlook on life and the things we take for granted.
(in terms of drinking without straws and getting up off my arse...)
I haven't really done much in the last few days, which has given me time to relax. However, during the time in which I was glued to the sofa, I watched a programme with a very high impact - "The Truth About Online Anorexia".
You are probably thinking - "of course it had high impact, there are tonnes of girls that view transparent bodies as the personification of beauty". Think again. The most shocking thing about what I saw (aside from the fact that I actually didn't mind Fearne Cotton for a change...) was that it wasn't very shocking at all. I found myself completely desensitized to all the pictures that I saw. In fact, only the pictures with literally nothing but bones seemed slightly alarming. And, what I found interesting was that while I didn't make so much of a squirm at the pictures I saw on the television, my mum was totally astonished. In itself, the difference in reaction between myself and my mum shows you what kind of society girls my age grow up in in the 21st century. Beauty is prioritised over health. Being attractive is brutally being on death's door. People suffering from eating disorders such as anorexia suffer purely for the cause of being thin, but in reality, they have a completely distorted view of what is actually thin. The process of becoming thin is one that never ends.
But, what can we do? There is in fact no solution. Until the view that we should be proud of ourselves and our individual qualities becomes internalised, there is nothing that society (which is external to us) can do to change the view that we must be thin to be beautiful. However, the situation is becoming worse. One of the most eye-opening scenes from the ITV "revelation" was set in a classroom with Fearne Cotton and 5 girls around the age of 10. One girl in particular expressed that she would feel happier if she were to lose weight and that she had dieted before. In actual fact, she tried to redeem herself by saying that she wouldn't want to lose as much as a stone, but she wanted to lose a significant amount of weight. I was amazed. A 10 year old having the idea in her head of losing a stone?! It is surreal.
As somebody who has been previously obsessed with personal appearance, especially being thin, I can relate to some of the things that these girls were saying. However, after a period of time, I came to realise that I was wanting to change for other people and not myself. But how could I want to do this if nobody was willing to change for me? Nobody was willing to become more attractive for my purpose. In fact, I didn't want anybody to become more attractive for me. I didn't need them to.
Being attractive is being who you are regardless of what of what "normal" people think and regardless of what the world thinks. No idea is ever approved by every single person in the world. No image will ever be portrayed as perfect. If perfection is unattainable, when will we learn that we cannot reach it? If we could accept that we will never see ourselves the way others do, the world would be as close to perfect as it could ever be.
LoveLoveLove x x x
(in terms of drinking without straws and getting up off my arse...)
I haven't really done much in the last few days, which has given me time to relax. However, during the time in which I was glued to the sofa, I watched a programme with a very high impact - "The Truth About Online Anorexia".
You are probably thinking - "of course it had high impact, there are tonnes of girls that view transparent bodies as the personification of beauty". Think again. The most shocking thing about what I saw (aside from the fact that I actually didn't mind Fearne Cotton for a change...) was that it wasn't very shocking at all. I found myself completely desensitized to all the pictures that I saw. In fact, only the pictures with literally nothing but bones seemed slightly alarming. And, what I found interesting was that while I didn't make so much of a squirm at the pictures I saw on the television, my mum was totally astonished. In itself, the difference in reaction between myself and my mum shows you what kind of society girls my age grow up in in the 21st century. Beauty is prioritised over health. Being attractive is brutally being on death's door. People suffering from eating disorders such as anorexia suffer purely for the cause of being thin, but in reality, they have a completely distorted view of what is actually thin. The process of becoming thin is one that never ends.
But, what can we do? There is in fact no solution. Until the view that we should be proud of ourselves and our individual qualities becomes internalised, there is nothing that society (which is external to us) can do to change the view that we must be thin to be beautiful. However, the situation is becoming worse. One of the most eye-opening scenes from the ITV "revelation" was set in a classroom with Fearne Cotton and 5 girls around the age of 10. One girl in particular expressed that she would feel happier if she were to lose weight and that she had dieted before. In actual fact, she tried to redeem herself by saying that she wouldn't want to lose as much as a stone, but she wanted to lose a significant amount of weight. I was amazed. A 10 year old having the idea in her head of losing a stone?! It is surreal.
As somebody who has been previously obsessed with personal appearance, especially being thin, I can relate to some of the things that these girls were saying. However, after a period of time, I came to realise that I was wanting to change for other people and not myself. But how could I want to do this if nobody was willing to change for me? Nobody was willing to become more attractive for my purpose. In fact, I didn't want anybody to become more attractive for me. I didn't need them to.
Being attractive is being who you are regardless of what of what "normal" people think and regardless of what the world thinks. No idea is ever approved by every single person in the world. No image will ever be portrayed as perfect. If perfection is unattainable, when will we learn that we cannot reach it? If we could accept that we will never see ourselves the way others do, the world would be as close to perfect as it could ever be.
LoveLoveLove x x x
Monday, 6 April 2009
Today
Today has been a rather interesting and non-productive day (if that is even a word). I had to be up at 8am...
(yeah...)
...because my new bed was being delivered. In true dad style, I was told that if I wasn't up at 8:15 he would come and wake me up. Guess my response, not happy.
So I was up at 8:02, went downstairs, went straight back upstairs to get my glasses...
(oh how I love to go up and down the stairs)
...and then watched The Hills. Realised how much I hate Heidi.
(Yes I do realise Heidi from the Hills is not a part of my life)
But she is just the pinnacle of a shit friend. End of story.
After watching the hills, I got ready while listening to Frank - Amy Winehouse's debut album. I still love her. I don't care if she's fucked up on drugs and an absoloute twat punching people and such, I love her. Frank is just amazing. I only just discovered that Amy, Amy, Amy which is the last track on the album, leads to two other bonus tracks which i fully love! In terms of the album though, I found that my favourite songs tend to be the ones that I didn't listen to or like that much to start with. Doesn't that always happen though? Is it some sort of primary or recency effect? Do we like the songs that we listened to first of all the least? (Even though we recognise with these songs first) Or do we like the songs better that we listened to last? Either way, with Amy Winehouse - I have to be careful not to kill a good thing. I almost killed Back to Black a while ago...no no, it will never die!
It is Amy Winehouse who reminds me that the best people are passionate people. I like to think that I am passionate :)
I spent most of the day shopping in Romford for new clothes. I discovered that if you buy clothes that actually fit you, you look amazing. Haha, slow much. It seems i was obsessed with numbers. Truth is, if you buy a size 100 and it fits you, you look a size 10 purely because it fits. Wonderful. However, I have always hated numbers...this is reflective. People should be described by numbers and not words. Although...this would not suit the masses and most probably would not suit me....
But I bought pretty things :)
To conclude
1. I love Amy Winehouse
2. I hate mornings
3. Numbers aren't fun
Asta La Vista Darling x
(yeah...)
...because my new bed was being delivered. In true dad style, I was told that if I wasn't up at 8:15 he would come and wake me up. Guess my response, not happy.
So I was up at 8:02, went downstairs, went straight back upstairs to get my glasses...
(oh how I love to go up and down the stairs)
...and then watched The Hills. Realised how much I hate Heidi.
(Yes I do realise Heidi from the Hills is not a part of my life)
But she is just the pinnacle of a shit friend. End of story.
After watching the hills, I got ready while listening to Frank - Amy Winehouse's debut album. I still love her. I don't care if she's fucked up on drugs and an absoloute twat punching people and such, I love her. Frank is just amazing. I only just discovered that Amy, Amy, Amy which is the last track on the album, leads to two other bonus tracks which i fully love! In terms of the album though, I found that my favourite songs tend to be the ones that I didn't listen to or like that much to start with. Doesn't that always happen though? Is it some sort of primary or recency effect? Do we like the songs that we listened to first of all the least? (Even though we recognise with these songs first) Or do we like the songs better that we listened to last? Either way, with Amy Winehouse - I have to be careful not to kill a good thing. I almost killed Back to Black a while ago...no no, it will never die!
It is Amy Winehouse who reminds me that the best people are passionate people. I like to think that I am passionate :)
I spent most of the day shopping in Romford for new clothes. I discovered that if you buy clothes that actually fit you, you look amazing. Haha, slow much. It seems i was obsessed with numbers. Truth is, if you buy a size 100 and it fits you, you look a size 10 purely because it fits. Wonderful. However, I have always hated numbers...this is reflective. People should be described by numbers and not words. Although...this would not suit the masses and most probably would not suit me....
But I bought pretty things :)
To conclude
1. I love Amy Winehouse
2. I hate mornings
3. Numbers aren't fun
Asta La Vista Darling x
Love and Reality
Beyond watching eyes
With sweet and tender kisses
Our souls reached out to each other
In breathless wonder
And when I awoke
From a vast and smiling peace
I found you bathed in morning light
Quietly studying
All the messages on my phone
When I read this text entitled "Love Poem" in Banksy's Wall and Piece, it was a true revelation. We all sink into a deep hole of denial when we are in love. We stare into eachothers eyes and become lost in collectivity. But when we awake, we find love very different to what we saw it with rose-tinted glasses. We smile at our loved ones, but behind that smile: are we really happy? Do we really know our loved ones as well as we think and more importantly, do we know ourselves enough to trust somebody else we are infatuated with?
We say that we love people, but underneath it all, we may not trust them. Therefore, the morning after pill comes in the form of reality. We check our loved ones phones because we love them, but we don't trust them. We force ourselves to believe that we do, but this simply isn't enough.
They tell us that they love us, but they don't know what love means. They tell us that they are happy, but they are deluded. They could tell us anything in the world, and not mean it. There comes a time with someone that you love, where you question whether they are faithful.
Words are the most beautiful thing that you can use, but words are nothing without actions. And when you find the words you held dear expressed to someone else, believe me when I say, you act.
With sweet and tender kisses
Our souls reached out to each other
In breathless wonder
And when I awoke
From a vast and smiling peace
I found you bathed in morning light
Quietly studying
All the messages on my phone
When I read this text entitled "Love Poem" in Banksy's Wall and Piece, it was a true revelation. We all sink into a deep hole of denial when we are in love. We stare into eachothers eyes and become lost in collectivity. But when we awake, we find love very different to what we saw it with rose-tinted glasses. We smile at our loved ones, but behind that smile: are we really happy? Do we really know our loved ones as well as we think and more importantly, do we know ourselves enough to trust somebody else we are infatuated with?
We say that we love people, but underneath it all, we may not trust them. Therefore, the morning after pill comes in the form of reality. We check our loved ones phones because we love them, but we don't trust them. We force ourselves to believe that we do, but this simply isn't enough.
They tell us that they love us, but they don't know what love means. They tell us that they are happy, but they are deluded. They could tell us anything in the world, and not mean it. There comes a time with someone that you love, where you question whether they are faithful.
Words are the most beautiful thing that you can use, but words are nothing without actions. And when you find the words you held dear expressed to someone else, believe me when I say, you act.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
One from April
It's been a long time. I guess. I feel like such a constant contradiction. I've decided that I want to become a journalist for a living, yet I can't really express my real thoughts and emotions in a coherant way. Maybe journalism is my way of expressing something other than whats on my doorstep. These days, I constantly feel as if I need therapy. So much on my mind. The sexuality issue. The what the fuck happened with him issue. The what the fuck was I thinking tonight considering kissing one of my oldest friends, who has a girlfriend issue. The career issue. The what the fuck am i meant to be issue. The issue I have with saying what the fuck, which is clearly an issue.
Why is nothing simple? Maybe I love to drown myself in a pool of complexity. Maybe thats really what drives me. Sometimes I wish I was an artist. You know, one of those fucked up ones who have really messed up themes behind their work. Thats whats beautiful about the arts, the rawness, the passion within, the true meaning. I want the person that I am meant to be with (eventually) to be that work of art. To have a raw and genuine quality, a passion within and a true purpose.
My taste has not been amazing in the past. This year is one of confusion and dismay. One that I am travelling through in silence. It seems that I have been through so much pain that I am now intolerant to what life throws at me. I will continue to suffer on the inside and smile on the outside.
And, is it weird that I like that? I always said "I don't know how you do it" to her. But now, I know. I know that its better than anything I have done in the past.
I have trust issues, I have career issues, I have decisive issues. I hate that fucking song "Issues" - espescially when I discovered what it meant.
Oh to be confusion free, I would fucking love it. Fucking...i would love that too. Fucking somebody worth my time, now that would be bliss.
But fuck it.
I will survive, always have and always will.
For beauty is success amongst failure. Beauty is strength upon failure. Beauty is knowing that there is life after failure.
I live it well.
Why is nothing simple? Maybe I love to drown myself in a pool of complexity. Maybe thats really what drives me. Sometimes I wish I was an artist. You know, one of those fucked up ones who have really messed up themes behind their work. Thats whats beautiful about the arts, the rawness, the passion within, the true meaning. I want the person that I am meant to be with (eventually) to be that work of art. To have a raw and genuine quality, a passion within and a true purpose.
My taste has not been amazing in the past. This year is one of confusion and dismay. One that I am travelling through in silence. It seems that I have been through so much pain that I am now intolerant to what life throws at me. I will continue to suffer on the inside and smile on the outside.
And, is it weird that I like that? I always said "I don't know how you do it" to her. But now, I know. I know that its better than anything I have done in the past.
I have trust issues, I have career issues, I have decisive issues. I hate that fucking song "Issues" - espescially when I discovered what it meant.
Oh to be confusion free, I would fucking love it. Fucking...i would love that too. Fucking somebody worth my time, now that would be bliss.
But fuck it.
I will survive, always have and always will.
For beauty is success amongst failure. Beauty is strength upon failure. Beauty is knowing that there is life after failure.
I live it well.
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