One from April

It's been a long time. I guess. I feel like such a constant contradiction. I've decided that I want to become a journalist for a living, yet I can't really express my real thoughts and emotions in a coherant way. Maybe journalism is my way of expressing something other than whats on my doorstep. These days, I constantly feel as if I need therapy. So much on my mind. The sexuality issue. The what the fuck happened with him issue. The what the fuck was I thinking tonight considering kissing one of my oldest friends, who has a girlfriend issue. The career issue. The what the fuck am i meant to be issue. The issue I have with saying what the fuck, which is clearly an issue.

Why is nothing simple? Maybe I love to drown myself in a pool of complexity. Maybe thats really what drives me. Sometimes I wish I was an artist. You know, one of those fucked up ones who have really messed up themes behind their work. Thats whats beautiful about the arts, the rawness, the passion within, the true meaning. I want the person that I am meant to be with (eventually) to be that work of art. To have a raw and genuine quality, a passion within and a true purpose.

My taste has not been amazing in the past. This year is one of confusion and dismay. One that I am travelling through in silence. It seems that I have been through so much pain that I am now intolerant to what life throws at me. I will continue to suffer on the inside and smile on the outside.

And, is it weird that I like that? I always said "I don't know how you do it" to her. But now, I know. I know that its better than anything I have done in the past.

I have trust issues, I have career issues, I have decisive issues. I hate that fucking song "Issues" - espescially when I discovered what it meant.

Oh to be confusion free, I would fucking love it. Fucking...i would love that too. Fucking somebody worth my time, now that would be bliss.

But fuck it.

I will survive, always have and always will.

For beauty is success amongst failure. Beauty is strength upon failure. Beauty is knowing that there is life after failure.

I live it well.